Rejuvenate your online life at the Digital Retox Retreat Resort
Are you falling behind on that show everyone is talking about? Too busy working to look at your phone all day? Do your loved ones interrupt you while you're in the middle of watching five videos, reading 12 articles and scrolling through 100 pictures?
It's time to escape to the Digital Retox Retreat Resort, a screen-filled refuge, free from harmful disruptions caused by work, chores and socializing IRL. Here, guests embark on a healing journey through Internet Immersion Therapy, which is anecdotally-proven to cure FOMO, rejuvenate social media life, and foster strong communities on message boards.
The Digital Retox Retreat Resort is tucked away in the pristine splendour of nature, right beside a 5G cell tower. Our remote location offers 20 acres of blissful serenity, completely covered with WIFI, including all three meditative Japanese rock gardens. Imagine having the peace of mind to reply to every email, or patiently read every article someone has sent you. This is your time to be fully present in your digital life.
Start the day off hot, inside our wood-fired, Finnish sauna. On a gorgeous cedar wall you'll discover an 85" television, blasting an infinite stream of TikTok videos. Paired with bespoke aromatherapy, you're sure to delight every sense. Take a deep breath and savour the soothing, buttery scent of essential oil extracted from bags of microwave popcorn.
When you've had enough of the heat, cool down in a private room at the Binge Sanctuary. Did you miss the hit crime drama The Wire because you were too busy from 2002 till 2008? That's OK. This is your chance to catch up on all five seasons in 60 straight hours, guilt-free. The Binge Sanctuary is a judgment-free zone where you're given the support you need to devolve into a subhuman pile of flesh. Feeling hungry? Our chefs are standing by to serve Pizza Pockets, Tater Tots, and other beige selections from our carelessly-curated menu.
After dinner it's time to let loose at the Panic Rave, hosted by DJ Ding-a-ling. Enjoy a triggering mix of notification sounds, featuring Top 40 hits like "Radar" (AKA Hell's Bells) by iPhone Alarm, "Swoosh" by Sent Mail, plus a heart-stopping remix of "Boop Plus" by Slack and "Ba-boop" by Discord.
If you can't get to sleep after the show, we've got you covered. Simply climb inside the Sensory Overload Pod and seal the hatch. The rooftop tablet automatically doom-scrolls, serving up the most unsettling and terrifying news. Meanwhile, the 12-speaker sound system plays a different dystopian podcast on each speaker, creating a disturbing symphony of cacophony.
Does that sound good? Or great? Book a room today and enjoy a transformative, spiritual breakthrough in the digital realm. Become one with the internet at the Digital Retox Retreat Resort.